Wanted! Comments, Dead or Alive!

In my early meeting today a fellow introduced himself (we'll call him Jay), and said he wanted to explain why he was with us. He said he was not an alcoholic, but had incurred an alcohol-related traffic violation earlier this year, and his lawyer demanded that he attend several AA meetings. His lawyer had administered some test or other and determined that Jay is "clinically close to becoming an alcoholic." I'm not going to waste your time or mine wondering what indicates this diagnosis or what qualifies the lawyer to provide this diagnosis. I guess it's one-stop shopping, like getting a flu shot at the grocery store.

Of course, at least one group member thought it was a good idea to convince Jay that he's an alcoholic. I'm not sure when I crossed the lines from social drinker to occasional drinker to regular drinker to heavy drinker to alcoholic, blah blah blah, and frankly I don't care at this point. I yam what I yam today, and that's my base of operation.

I certainly don't know whether Jay is an alcoholic or not. I do know, because he said so, that he got behind the wheel of a vehicle legally drunk. If he had maimed or killed himself or others, I don't think any loved ones would smile and say to each other "Well, at least that guy wasn't an alcoholic! Thank goodness for that!"

So, just for sheer fun and frolic, join me if you will in compiling a list. I'll start it off, based on my own experiences.

You Might Be An Alcoholic If...

• you know the locations and store hours of several liquor stores in your area


• you rotate purchase locations so that the clerks won't think you drink too much


• you greatly prefer being around your friends who drink to those that don't


• the only reason not to make a drink as soon as you get home from work is a screaming bladder


• you get uneasy or miffed if you are in a social situation and feel pressured to stop drinking (or slow down)


• you compare your drinking patterns to those who drink more than you rather than those who drink less


• you eagerly watch and share health study news reports that indicate red wine or other alcoholic beverages promote good health


• you are on a pretend cell phone call when you reach the liquor store check-out counter, saying "Honey, you said you wanted XYZ brand, right?"


• you tape the liquor cabinet shut after a certain hour

Okay, I cheated. I heard the last two in AA meetings, but I would have used these if they had occurred to me. I didn't include all of mine by any means because I'd like you to leave comments to add to the list. Have fun; be real or be silly (or both at the same time).