Collards, Cornbread, and a Love Doll

Sunday evening I went over to my friend John's for dinner and a movie. We do this fairly regularly since he has a big, crisp screen on his wall and I have a Netflix subscription. Sometimes we dine out, and sometimes we fix dinner at his house. This time, John prepared a delicious dinner before we watched the movie I took along.

John grilled thick, juicy pork chops outdoors, and he also fixed collard greens, fresh corn, and iron skillet cornbread. After a satisfying meal, we settled down to watch the movie. I have to give Netflix credit for having a great selection of DVD's. I've watched many films that, otherwise, I would not have had easy access to view. More and more classic, foreign, documentary, and obscure films that would have been too unprofitable for the VHS format are being released on DVD's.

Last night we watched an enchanting film called Lars and the Real Girl. I've enjoyed nearly every film featuring Ryan Gosling, and when I saw that Patricia Clarkson also appeared in the movie, I decided to give it a try. Ryan Gosling plays Lars, a painfully shy loner who lives in a garage behind the home of his brother and sister-in-law. Lars orders a life-size love doll from a website, not for sex but for companionship. He believes that his new friend Bianca is real, proudly introduces her to his shocked brother & sister-in-law, and from that point on the film is a delightful journey.

An astute doctor (played by Patricia Clarkson) instructs the bewildered brother to play along with Lars' delusion, assuring him that it will pass when Lars no longer needs it. The reaction of the townsfolk to their newest citizen is heartwarming, and soon Lars is taking part in social activities with Bianca in tow.

This film speaks comically but eloquently about the healing power of acceptance, kindness, and love. I can't help but wonder how much more splendid our world would be if we treated each other with such tender compassion. Please add Lars and the Real Girl to your short list of must-see movies. Your time will be covered by Planet Bill's guarantee of satisfaction, and if you feel your ninety-five minutes were wasted each moment will be refunded. This film is a jewel!

(Note: you may click here for your own love doll, but be forewarned that this is an adults-only site!)

Cool Cat in Texas Celebrates Birthday

Happy Birthday to Scott!!!

My pal Scott in Houston has a birthday on Sunday, June 29. You can drop by and wish him a happy day by clicking here.

I started dropping in on Scott's blog last year. He's a faithful daily blogger, and his place always has a thought-provoking quotation and a lot of gratitude for life. He's an artist, and he occasionally posts one of his latest creations, and there's also a link on his blog to a website devoted to his work.

Through Scott's blog I've met many new friends, so it may be his birthday, but I'm the one who has received the gifts. Sweet!

Scott has been an inspiration to me in my own recovery, and many of the old photographs you see throughout my blog are courtesy of the work he offered to do to transfer them to digital images for me. He's just an all-around good guy.

Have a great day, Scott, and keep coming back! And here's what Blogthings says about your birth date...

Your Birthdate: June 29

You have the mind of an artist, even if you haven't developed the talent yet. Expressive and aware, you enjoy finding new ways to share your feelings. You often feel like you don't fit in - especially in traditional environments. You have big dreams. The problem is putting those dreams into action. Your strength: Your vivid imagination Your weakness: Fear of failure Your power color: Coral Your power symbol: Oval Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Back to the Salt Mines

Yoo Hoo! I'm still here on Planet Bill, but I've been making daily trips to another galaxy. After three years of a job-free lifestyle I am now pulling on my grown-up pants and wearing shoes that require a shoehorn again each morning. Blogging has been a low priority, although I've been making an effort to visit your blogs. Even that has been haphazard, I'm afraid, and I haven't always had time to leave a comment. Soon, though, the transition will be complete, and I'll settle into a daily routine.

The job dropped out of the blue and into my lap. I was sitting here in my home one morning, minding my own business and probably visiting your website, when my phone rang. The local office manager of a worldwide service organization was leaving her position, and had recommended me for her job. The fellow calling me, the chairman of the steering committee, wanted to know if I would be interested in the job. This seemed like one of those God Moments I've heard people talk about, so I bowed to the Greater Reason and went to an interview a few days later.

I worked closely with the departing manager through yesterday, and there's been a lot to learn. So far, so good. Here are just a few of the things I like about the job:

• it's in a climate-controlled environment


• I work with people all day, in person and on the phone, but I work alone


• there are a lot of balls to juggle, so the work is interesting


• there's candy


• I get to order lots of fun stuff


• there's a 24-hour crisis hotline


• the region, ranging from urban to rural, is large


• I get to dispense a lot of hope and encouragement


• I have a lot of responsibility


• I am extremely grateful for this opportunity to help others

Thanks to the efforts my HP and I have been putting out over the past year, I am able to handle stress much better these days. This calmness and detachment came in handy today when I was ready to lock up and leave. The second telephone line went verplunkt, and I was able to contact the repair service and get the crisis hotline transferred to another number without getting agitated. There's a temporary fix in place, and the phone company will solve the problem tomorrow morning. And since I sat on Ma Bell's knee at one time, I know the magic words to use tomorrow morning if the situation has not been resolved: I'm filing a complaint with the State Corporation Commission. Those are the magic words when you are at odds with the phone company in Virginia.

The office is on an upper floor in a large office building. The state rents a great deal of space for its department of Taxation, and one floor is leased to a large law firm. There also a Hispanic radio station that broadcasts from the building. Who knows what other enterprises operate from this structure? I'll keep my eyes peeled.

Yesterday when I approached the elevators to leave, there was a tiny, thin woman waiting for an elevator. We shared it on the way down. As we exited toward the parking lot, I noticed that this woman needed a shave. It was a weensy man with a unisex hairdo. If a celebrity, his picture might appear on this site. He headed toward a motor scooter parked next to the building.

The telephone problems this evening were foreshadowed by various technical calamities throughout the day, including a facsimile machine that continuously jammed. I had an urgent fax to send, so I dropped in on the law firm next door to my office. There was the miniature man/woman. His name is Paul, and he is a very nice fellow. He cheerfully allowed me to use his fax machine, and I complimented his scooter. He beamed, and told me he's only had it a couple of months. It gets one hundred miles per gallon. Paul is my new hero.

That's what I've been doing lately. How about you? In other blogger news, Our Girl in Amsterdam became engaged on her birthday last weekend. She and her betrothed are planning an Autumn Wedding in New England.

Speaking of birthdays, Someone Very Special will celebrate a birthday this Sunday, so mark your calendars and drop by his place for some cake and ice cream on the 29th.

I hope to post again soon. I have something in mind already. Think Murphy Bed.

The Quiet Man

This Father's Day I am revisiting a post I wrote about my father last year. I'm grateful that he was my dad. He loved my mother, and he loved me. Only now, as a grown man, can I appreciate his remarkable courage, compassion, humility, and sweet nature. I am proud of my father, and I miss him.

(Our scene opens in a large, homey kitchen in an American suburban home in the mid-1970's. A small family - father, mother, and teenage son - are sitting at the Early-American style round wooden table having dinner)

Son: We learned about this French luxury oceanliner, The Normandie, today. It caught on fire in New York harbor during World War Two and sank because of all the water they pumped in it trying to put out the fire. Isn't that neat? Have you heard of it?

Father: (chews, swallows, pauses) I was on it.

Son: (speechless)



How in the hell do you become old enough to drive a car without knowing this about your own father? After a few initial sputters reminiscent of our pushmower, my engine roared to life. I peppered my dad with questions as liberally as I had the Swiss steak which now sat before me, untouched and forgotten.

The French luxury liner, The Normandie, made its maiden voyage from France to New York in 1935. She was the sleekest, fastest, most artfully decorated ship of her day. The Normandie was the largest object man had ever set in motion. She was the pride of France. She was the pinnacle of the era's shipbuilding technology.

The Normandie was seized by the United States in December, 1941, and was immediately turned over to the Navy to be re-outfitted for troup transport. My dad, a young sailor, was assigned to this task. The ship caught fire and sank in February, 1942.

As I continued to poke and pry, my father told me that he was in a briefing in the childrens' playroom when the fire broke out. The playroom, he recalled, had padded leather walls so that rambunctious children would not injure themselves if they fell. The sailors were evacuated from the ship, and then sent back onboard to assist with firefighting. The irony is that the fire did not cause the demise of this great ship; the amount of water pumped inside to quell the fire caused the ship to capsize and sink harborside.

This story is typical of my dad's reluctance to talk about his past. To this day he remains a cryptogram to me in many ways. The bits that I coaxed from him revealed that he led a fascinating life. Through crafty questioning and wheedling I learned that my dad went with a friend to a Navy recruiting station and lied about their ages so they could join the action in WWII. He was assigned to the Atlantic Theater, and reassigned to the Pacific after the Normandie went belly-up. Assigned to a destroyer, the USS Buchanan, he was in many battles, including Iwo Jima, Guadalcanal, Okinawa, Bougainville, Cape Esperance, and others. He never talked about these battles. They were listed on the framed USS Buchanan scorecard on the wall that I had passed by every day without a glance.

The Buchanan was one of the first ships that entered Tokyo Harbor following the surrender of Japan, and his ship participated in the surrender ceremonies. He said the Japanese citizens were terrified by the sight of US sailors in Tokyo. He saw sumo wrestling matches and God knows what else before his ship was given the task of going up and down Japan's coastline picking up POW's. The only thing he would say about this was "Bill, they didn't even look human when we got them back." Those few words still make the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

After the war, he became a Navy diver, a "frogman", a member of the elite Underwater Demolition Team (and, later, the UDT/SEAL team). At the time, there were four UDT's; two in California, and two in Norfolk, Virginia. He was first in San Diego, and I know nothing of his life there. He was then reassigned to Norfolk, where he met and wed my mother.

By the time I happened upon the scene, my dad was an elder member of this branch of the service, and he instructed younger men in the art of utilizing finesse and perfect timing with explosives. He was respected and admired by the men in his charge, but at least one told my mom that if he ever blew his top, they shaped up fast. He had a long fuse in general, but had no tolerance for the careless grab-assing of cocky young men. My dad had a dangerous job. He had seen buddies killed in combat, lost a man in a fall from a helicopter during a training maneuver, and had a diver alongside him eaten by a shark during a nightime mission. He told me the only parts they recovered for burial were a hand and a piece of thigh. He knew the dangers of the ocean. Sometimes the phone would ring in the darkness of night, and my dad would be gone in a flash. My mother and I didn't know where he was going or when he would return. But he always came home to us - thank you, God.

His reticence was not confined to his years of military service. I learned more about his family from his sister, Therza, than I ever learned from him. For example, Aunt Therza told me that their oldest sister, Olivia, died in the great influenza epidemic of 1918. My mother nor I had ever heard of Olivia. Even the circumstances of his mother's death when he was six are cloudy; he always said she died of tuberculosis, but Aunt Therza told me she died following a horseback riding accident. He did not like to talk about his childhood, and was adept at avoiding questions. Like the sea he loved, he held his secrets close.

He was a quiet man. He enjoyed simple things. He liked to laugh. He did not want many possessions. He cherished my mother and me, and he provided us with a good life. There was always plenty of food on our table, even if boats and campers never cluttered our driveway. The vehicles may have been old, but were always bought new and never financed. Our house was not large, but it was paid in full and we lived in a nice neighborhood. He and my mother taught me that friends and family do not wear out with time like material things.

I grin everytime I think about my friend Suzanne and my dad together. Once one started chuckling they were off to the races. Chuckles and giggles turned into side-clutching gales of laughter. My friends adored him, and he made each one feel welcome with an easy-going manner, a twinkle in his eye, and questions that engaged them in conversations that told them that he found them as interesting as they found him. He was never boastful, and was always kind. Meeting him casually, you would never guess the risks he took every time he headed off to work. No one would dream that he had been trained to kill with his bare hands.

I think my friend Tracey put it best when, following his death, she turned to me and remarked "You know, Bill, if I had to describe your dad in two words I would say 'humble' and 'gentle' ."

I couldn't have said it better.

Bulgarian Rhapsody

One of my treats this past Sunday was getting an impromptu phone call from Wendy. Wendy is my pal Suzanne's mother, and we call each other from time to time. When I was growing up, Wendy was the Interesting Mom who taught foreign languages at a local Tidewater college, practiced Transcendental Meditation, and served green spaghetti with green sauce to her daughter's unsuspecting guests. She is still filled with a love of learning, and took a Japanese language course as well as folk dancing lessons following her retirement from a Norfolk university.

One of the topics Wendy brought up was her daughter's upcoming trip to Bulgaria - had I heard about it? Yes, I had. Wendy expressed her concern that Suzanne would decide to move to Bulgaria, because it would make calling her by phone even more inconvenient because of yet another time zone differential. She did allow, however, that the folk dancing opportunities would be richer. Suzanne currently lives in Amsterdam, after spending about six years or so in Spain.

Suzanne and her boyfriend, Brett, have made several forays to various places in Europe, but Bulgaria is the most obscure country they have included in their travels. I had a vague idea about its location, knowing it was near Greece, but had to look it up on a map to pinpoint it. Oh, there it is, on the Black Sea! It's not a country I hear mentioned much in the news, but I remember hearing about a change in their political climate several years ago. Tourism in Bulgaria is growing, and I was eager to hear from Suzanne about her impressions of this wallflower of Europe. This morning I got my wish when Suzanne sent me a message from her hotel, and I asked her if I could share it with all of you. I think you will find it an interesting read, so here you go without further ado.

WOW!!!

We're fascinated. This is really something different! We are day two in Veliko Turnovo. It took us just about a day to get here from Amsterdam. On the down side, the town is shrinking and a bit decrepit, lots of faded paint jobs and abandoned buildings. On the up side, gosh so much. What's not to love. The people are gentle and curious, eager to learn English and friendly.

The town's history is considerable, and monuments dating back to this city's glorious medieval heritage dot the surrouding hillside. We are staying in a very upmarket hotel by Bulgarian standards. Ninety euros a night is exorbidant in a town where the best rooms go for 50 euros a night, and many a room can be had for 20 euros or less. However, this must be the most modern, chic, lovely, well-equipped hotel in a 100 mile radius, and we are well-pleased to be paying the rate. When visiting a depressed area, it's kind of nice to come back to something upmarket at the end of the day. This is really in the chic boutique hotel category.( I cringe to think of the horrid hotel room you could end up with in Amsterdam for 90 euros a night.)

Things are astoundingly cheap here. Brett and I dined at a lovely local tavern last night. I had a crisp white Bulgarian wine, Brett a local lager. He had some local dish of pork Kavarma, a stew sort of a thing, and I had an innovative stuffed trout. We sat on a spotless patio at a cute polished picnic style table next to a box of bright impatiens and gazed over the clay rooftops at the nearby lush green hills. The entire bill came to 24 leva, or twelve euros. In Amsterdam we pay more than that for a snack from the local taco hut. Brett and I figure on paying around 45 euros when we dine out at a restaurant, and we don't go to the Ritz.

While dining there an American approached us, astounded and grateful to hear English. He was visiting VT with his wife, who is from here. He told us the name of another town that sounds intriguing, Povdiv, with Roman monuments and a thriving art community, but three hours from here, so we'll save that for the next trip.

We saw the Veliko Turnovo light show from the rooftop of our hotel last night. It's a breathtaking light and music extravaganza that involves the entire excavated fortress collection of buildings...and ...I can't even begin to describe it. Maybe I was tired, but I was moved to tears, it was so beautifully executed, so professionally done. There seems to be a native intelligence among the people here. I find it interesting that they excel, as a nation, in mathematics.

We've observed that the native television shows have better production values, especially where lighting is concerned, than homegrown Netherlands TV.

We're off to explore the fortress. Just in to escape a sudden sun shower, but it seems to have cleared.

Ciao!
Your Wandering Expats
Suzanne and Brett

Blue Blazes

Has it been hot where you live? It's been swelteringly hot here. My grandmother would have said that it's "hot as blue blazes." We stand a good chance today of breaking a temperature record for the fourth day in a row. I wilt in the heat. My discomfort says I was made to follow the climate, but my wallet says "no."

I was invited to go to the beach this past weekend, and that was a treat. Sheldon likes to go to Virginia Beach on summer Saturdays, and he asked me to go along. His son, Ricky, met us at the beach, and we spent most of the day enjoying the sun, water, and ocean breezes. The water was cold and refreshing. Sheldon looked at his brand of eye-candy, and I enjoyed my own. No harm in looking, right? There was this one fellow in particular... but I digress.

On the way back home, we rode by my childhood home. Boy, I wish I owned a digital camera. Everything looked so pretty. They've had a mild spring in Tidewater, too, with plenty of rain, so everything was lush & green. Many of the trees are now fifty years old. My boyhood house looked neat as a pin. Our brick barbeque chimney and my dad's beloved shed were still in the backyard. It all looked almost exactly as it did when my parents lived there. You could tell that the folks who live there love their home, which makes it nice for me. I assume that the same people who bought it back in the 80's still own it. I also saw my mother's old car sitting in our backyard neighbor's driveway. I sold Mom's car to Ruby after my mother died, and Ruby still drives it. I hadn't been in my old neighborhood in a long while, and it reminded me of how lucky I was to grow up the way I did.

For your hot weather diversion, I've included a quiz from Blogthings. I like their quizzes, because they are so scientific. You can really base your life on whatever the quiz results reveal about you. Before you move on to the Beach Test and the Fridge Quiz, let's take a moment for an important announcement.

Tomorrow, June 11, will mark seventeen years of sobriety for Pam! Pam has a Great Dane named Theo, so as far as Theo is concerned it's really one-hundred & nineteen years. Either way, it's a long time, and it shows that a twelve-step program of recovery can work. That's why these anniversary dates are so important; they give hope to those who still suffer. Pam is an inspiration and a friend, and I love dropping by her site each day. Sometimes her posts are funny, sometimes they're touching; they are always honest and real. Pam's a friendly Texas gal, so click here if you'd like to say "howdy" and wish her well.

What the Beach Test Says About You

You tend to be a very social person. You live for your friends and family. You can get social burnout occasionally though. You aren't a total extrovert. You have cold feet when it comes to love. You have a lot of uncertainty until you convince yourself to dive right in. You are deeply passionate about several things in your life. You're not passionate about much... and the few passions you have are truly obsessions. Your sense of humor is intellectual and obscure. Only really well educated people get your jokes.

The Beach Test

Next, let's take a look at the refrigerator...

What Your Fridge Says About You

You like to be surrounded by things you love. You aren't exactly greedy, but you can be materialistic at times. You tend to be a fairly thrifty person. You splurge occasionally, but you're mostly a saver. You are a very adventurous person. You love to try new things, and you get bored very easily. You are responsible, together, and mature. You act like an adult, even when you don't feel like it. You are likely married, possibly with kids.

What Do the Contents of Your Refrigerator Say About You?

Kids? Married? Uh-oh! That must have happened during a blackout.

Cats and Coons

I had an interesting telephone conversation with my buddy Sheldon this evening. Sheldon has lived in his house for about twenty years, and he takes an evening walk around his neighborhood when he isn't working. I've walked with him a few times, and most of the neighborhood cats dash out to greet him when they see him coming. Sheldon knows them by name, and he spends a couple of moments with each one catching up on current events.

Pete the Cat lives at one of the houses that Sheldon passes on his walk. Pete's house has a large tree in the yard, and there are two or three raccoons that live in the tree. Pete's owners put food for their cat out on the front porch, and they have told Sheldon that they've seen Pete and the raccoons sitting side by side eating from time to time.

During our phone conversation, Sheldon told me that as he was walking by, he saw a raccoon on the porch of this house near the food bowl. The raccoon picked up the bowl of cat food with its front paws, and walked upright off the porch and down the side of the house, carefully holding the bowl. The raccoon stopped about midway along the side of the house, set the bowl down and ate a couple of bites, and then picked the bowl back up and continued around the corner to the back of the house.

Sheldon said he wondered whether the homeowners came out the next day and thought "Now, how in the hell did Pete carry that bowl into the backyard?"

This story made me recall a couple of things. First, I thought of my pet raccoon, Jake, who lived in a raised hutch in our backyard. I used to love to watch him eat, because he was so dextrous with his little black hands (paws, I know). He would daintily pick up each bite of food and dip it in his water bowl before he put it in his mouth. His fur was very coarse, and he didn't like to be petted like a cat or a dog; he liked to be stroked from the back to the front.

I also thought about the documentary, Grey Gardens, specifically the scene where Little Edie takes plates of food up to the attic to feed the raccoons that come in through the holes in the roof. Grey Gardens concerns the lives and living conditions of Edith ("Big Edie") Bouvier Beale and her daughter, "Little Edie" Beale in their crumbling and squalid East Hampton mansion in the early 1970's. It's a bizarre film, especially since it's a true story. If you haven't experienced it, you must see it.

p.s. keep your pets away from wild animals!


more cat pictures

Center Square

Earlier today, I was trying to decide whether this was a Serious Sunday, or a Silly Sunday. Today would have been my parents' 52nd wedding anniversary (I hope someone up there baked them a cake), so I thought about writing about their marriage, but decided to wait.

For no particular reason I thought of Paul Lynde today and started poking around on the web to see what I could find. I remember as a child being delighted and astonished that such a flamer was a popular television personality. Some of us remember his appearances on Bewitched, but most remember him for his rapid-fire one-liners on Hollywood Squares. I'm going to keep things light by posting a bunch of his quips.

However, I wasn't surprised to learn that, as funny as he seemed on camera, his life ran on a different track. He died at the age of 55. His death was mysterious, and his life was marred and scarred by alcohol abuse. He is buried in Knox County, Ohio, beside his long-time companion, Bing Davidson. whose accidental death in 1965 was witnessed by Mr. Lynde.

Today, lets take a look at his legacy of laughter...

Q: You're the world's most popular fruit. What are you?
Lynde: Humble.

Q: What is said to be wasted on the young?
Lynde: A whipping.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: True or false? At a recent hearing, opponents of fluorinated water argued that too much fluorine in a person's system can cause an uncontrollable desire for sex.
Lynde: (shouting) HEY CULLIGAN MAN!

Q: Why do the Hell's Angels wear leather?
Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles so easily.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: In Alice in Wonderland, who kept crying, "I'm late, I'm late"?
Lynde: Alice. And her mother is sick about it.

Q: Which is better looking, a pixie or a fairy?
Lynde: I'll go for the fairy.

Q: In The Wizard of Oz, the Lion wanted courage and the Tin Man wanted a heart. What did the Scarecrow want??
Lynde: He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.

Q: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Lynde: I don't have a third choice?

Q: Paul, how many men on a hockey team?
Lynde: Oh, about half.

Q: What would the Lone Ranger always leave behind with the damsel in distress he'd saved?
Lynde: A masked baby!

Q: Why was Nathan Hale hung?
Lynde: Heredity.

Q: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
Lynde: As long as that's as far as it goes.

Q: Why do sheep sleep huddled up?
Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue is a weirdo!

Q: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?
Lynde: Smuggling.

Q: Does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster?
Lynde: Well, it's easier to steer.

Q: True or false: in the recent world kissing contest in England, two contestants were disqualified when they got too passionate.
Lynde: Yes, but they went on to win in three other categories.

Q: True or false: Paul Revere had sixteen children.
Lynde: From one midnight ride?

Q: You’re equipped with a pick, a sieve, and a shallow pan. What are you about to do?
Lynde: Joan Crawford's eyebrows.

Q: What two things should you never do in bed?
Lynde: Point and laugh.

Q: Is there any substance that will stunt a child's growth?
Lynde: I've found a hammer works very well.

Q: I'm the son of your father's sister. What am I to you?
Lynde: Just a silly fantasy.

Q: In the movies, where would you find Happy and Doc together?
Lynde: In the balcony.

Q: According to etiquette experts, is it okay to chew gum in an evening gown?
Lynde: Who's gonna stop me?

Q: Who was the first actress to be depicted on a postage stamp?
Lynde: Kate Smith, but it took twenty minutes to lick it.

Q: Paul, in ancient Rome, bakers were required by law to bake something into each loaf of bread. What?
Lynde: A Christian.

Q: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear?
Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.

Q: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Q: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Lynde:: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.

Q: According to the old song, "At night, when you're asleep, into your tent I'll creep." Who am I?
Lynde: The scoutmaster.

Q: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What?
Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

Q: True or false...research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Lynde: It's not easy to sign a crew up for six months...

Q: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?
Lynde: They are cute.

Q: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I've never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a..." A what?
Lynde: A headboard.

Q: True or false, the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep.
Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels...

Q: What should you do if you're going 55 miles per hour and your tires suddenly blow out?
Lynde: Honk if you believe in Jesus.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q:If you want to know if a plastic surgeon is really qualified, who should you check with?
Lynde: Tony Randall.