Teaching an Old Dog New Tricks

Whew!

It's the day after Christmas, and it's a rainy, chilly, beautiful day in Virginia. I had a very nice Christmas Day, and the great thing about it is that I will remember it! I couldn't tell you what I did last Christmas, but I'm sure a gin bottle had a starring role. I started my day bright and early with a meeting, came home and fed my neighbor's cat, puttered around my house, and then enjoyed an afternoon nap. I went to dinner with Sheldon and his family, which gave me the chance to meet his very nice mom, and after dinner Sheldon and I went to an evening meeting.

I had planned to volunteer time at a food line at the Salvation Army or similar charity, but it turned out that they had plenty of volunteers on Christmas Day. However, folks need to be fed every day, so I will have the chance to help out on another day.

I've learned a lot, changed a lot, and been given many valuable gifts in 2007. Here's what I've been thinking about this morning:

• sobriety is not the same as not drinking


• willingness is the key to a better life


• if I can find spirituality, anyone can


• unsettling situations are not permanent


• patience isn't granted with a magic wand; it takes practice


• I don't have to like something to accept it


• the earth keeps spinning even when I don't try to control the revolution


• surrendering control frees me to enjoy life


• some friends cannot accept my sobriety, but new friends step into their place


• my mother wrote the book on good housekeeping


• I don't have to like someone to learn from them


• there's beauty in a rainy day


• when I do all the talking, I only learn what I already know


• I'm never really alone


• alcohol did not enhance my good qualities


• I have a lot more to learn


• serenity is as obtainable as I choose to make it


• when I give, I receive more than I could have imagined


• a new year starts every single day

Quiztmas!

So, I took a few quizzes, and here's what they said. You can take 'em, too, by clicking on the links.
Ho Ho Ho, y'all.

How much do you know about Christmas?

According to this survey, I know a lot about Christmas.

You Know a Lot About Christmas

You got 7/10 correct You know tons about the history and traditions surrounding Christmas. When you celebrate the holidays, you never forget their true meaning - or all the little fun details. Random Christmas fact: In early England, the traditional Christmas dinner was a pig's head prepared with mustard.

How Much Do You Know About Christmas?

Holiday experts say that this movie is most like my Christmas experience. This seems appropriate because I was a complete Peanuts freak when I was a kid.

My Christmas is most like:

A Charlie Brown Christmas

Your Christmas is Most Like: A Charlie Brown Christmas

Each year, you really get into the spirit of Christmas. Which is much more important to you than nifty presents.

What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?

Hmmm...I don't think this would have been my score before this year:

What's your Holiday Stress Level?

My Holiday Stress Level is Low!

Your Holiday Stress Level Is Low

You take it easy over the holidays, and you only take on what you can handle.You know the holidays are about celebrating and fun - not standing in line at the mall!

What's" Your Holiday Stress Level?

Okay, most of us pack on a few extra pounds during the holidays. Hey, we can always eat celery in January and February.

Feast or Famine?

My Gluttony Quotient is 39%

Your Gluttony Quotient: 40%

You have a pretty good relationship with food - you enjoy it, but you don't go overboard.You've struck the perfect balance between gluttony and self control.

How Much Gluttony Do You Have?

I'm not sure about my results on this one. I love a good pig-out session. My motto when it comes to food might be "everything in moderation...including moderation."

The self-appointed experts gave me a Christmas Spirit rating of 75%. Last year I might have scored 10%. I can't be sure, because I don't really remember last Christmas.

Your Christmas Sprit Level: 75%

Your Christmas spirit is almost as big as Christmas itself. Christmas is definitely your thing. You celebrate Christmas with enthusiasm. You love every minute of the holidays. Your Christmas spirit is inspiring to everyone who runs into you during the holidays. You make everyone's day just a little bit brighter. And that's what the holidays are all about!

Do You Have the Christmas Spirit?

This next one doesn't have anything to do with the holidays. It's here for Pam & Scott. I'd like to think they'd make me feel more welcome than a danged polecat. I've been to Texas several times, and always found the folks there very friendly.

How Texas are you?

I am 32% Texas.

You Are 32% Texas

You're as welcome in Texas as a skunk at a lawn party.

How Texas Are You?

I can choose how I feel about the holidays. If I find myself getting impatient and irritable, I can shake myself out of it. Spending some reflective time alone, thinking about some things I'm grateful for in life (past and present), and accepting that unexpected things are likely to happen no matter how much I plan ahead will help me enjoy the true meaning of Christmas.

Death in the Living Room (and instructions for Life)

My praying mantis adventure seems to have come to an end. The poor little critters have apparently died, although I'm not ruling out the possibility of a survivor or two I haven't encountered yet. When I realized my home had been invaded I did some research on the web, and found out that - yes - the eggs should not have hatched until spring, and Mother Nature had been fooled when I brought my ficus tree indoors for the winter. Hence, the hatchlings. I tried calling a local botanical center, hoping they would like to adopt any of the baby mantises I could collect and transport to their greenhouse, but they never returned my call. My home just does not harbor the food that would have sustained the fledglings, and they perished after a few days.


In hindsight, I'm rather surprised how I handled the situation compared to what would have happened before I got sober. Previously, I would have freaked out, whipped out the electrolux and searched for black-market DDT. Instead, I just relaxed and let things take their natural course without my intervention. Well, okay, I did try to coax a couple of the babies to drink a drop of water, but for the most part I avoided running around like Henny Penny trying to fix everything. It helps, of course, that I like praying mantises and know they don't pose a threat. If I'd had a pestilence of black widow spiders the tale would be different.


One of the qualities I've been praying for over the past couple of months is patience. A side lesson from this exercise is learning to be careful what you pray for. I have caught every red light in Richmond since I prayed for patience. I sat behind one car through three traffic light cycles one evening, and it was only when I started laughing at the situation that the light changed. So the signal wasn't broken, as I supposed initially; it almost seemed like God was waiting for me to relax and acknowledge the lesson.


The Old Bill at the traffic intersection would have been fuming, honking the horn, cussing the driver in front of me, and whipping around and through the intersection. This doesn't mean I'm absolved from taking action when needed, but I'm beginning to understand that there are situations I simply cannot control, and the healthiest course of action is to go with the flow.


Now it's time to do some holiday baking, and I am still my mother's child, which means I will scrub, disinfect, and sterilize the entire kitchen before I make anything in case there are praying mantis footprints anywhere. My mom came home from the grocery store one day, and when she put a bag of groceries on the kitchen counter, a cockroach dashed out and ran behind the oven. She pulled the oven out from the wall to find it. For her, this was probably progress; I'm surprised she didn't put the house up for sale. Anyone who knew my mother would agree.

I ran across some instructions for Life I'll share. Feel free to add more in the comments section.

• go someplace you've never been at least once a year



• give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully



• don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want



• when you say "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye



• never laugh at anyone's dreams



• don't judge people by their relatives



• when someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask "Why do you want to know?'



• call your mom



• remember that great love and great acheivements involve great risk



• when you lose, don't lose the lesson



• remember the three R's: respect for self, respect for others, and responsibility for all of your actions



• when you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps



• spend some time alone



• open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values



• remember that silence is sometimes the best answer



• read more books and watch less television



• trust in God but lock your car



• be gentle with the earth



• pray...there's immeasurable power in it



• mind your own business



• remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck



• judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it



• remember that your character is your destiny

Re-Gifted Seasonal Humor

The year is grinding to its close, and we suddenly find ourselves in the midst of The Most Wonderful Time of the Year (or so says that song). I've finished my Christmas shopping, but I'm going to have to whip myself to get the wrapping done. Where does the time go? We only have a couple more weekends before Christmas. Time to turn to an expert on getting things done. Martha has a jump on us, but perhaps we can catch up if we take a look at her Holiday Planning Calendar.

Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar

12-1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold. Turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

12-2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

12-4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.

12-5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

12-6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

12-10 Align carpets to adjust for curviture of Earth.

12-11 Lay Faberge egg.

12-12 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

12-13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

12-14 Install plumbing in Gingerbread House.

12-15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

12-17 Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

12-19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

12-20 Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

12-21 Drain city reservoir. Refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.

12-22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.

12-23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.

12-25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger with homemade potpourri.


Does anyone really make fruitcake? Does anyone really like fruitcake? My neighbor Karen used to make fruitcake for her father and her brothers years ago. She would spend big money and lots of time carefully crafting these holiday classics, only to find out after several Christmases that not one of the recipients liked fruitcake. The following recipe has been around for a long, long time. I know, because one of my dad's UDT/SEAL buddies sent this recipe to him one year, and my dad retired from the Navy in 1969. It's still the best fruitcake recipe I've encountered:

Traditional Fruitcake
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
1 cup brown sugar
4 eggs
2 cups dried chopped fruit
2-1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1-1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup chopped nuts
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 full bottle of your favorite whiskey
First, sample whiskey to check for freshness and quality.
Get a large mixing bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup of whiskey and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of mixing butter in the fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is okay. Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl. Chuck up in the dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something...where was I?
Oh yes, check the whishkey an repeat.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something...whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake pan 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner!
Boon the spatter..no, uh...poon the ...throw the bowl out the window. Wisk the checky again. repea. Go to bed. Who likes fruitcak aynway. nitey-ni...

Yes, we've all seen this recipe before, but you need to make it to truly appreciate it.


After the holidays, consider treating yourself to a winter vacation. After all, you'll deserve it. Have you ever been snow skiing? I haven't, but I found a list of exercises in my file cabinet to help me prepare for my first trip to the slopes.

• soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use



• if you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses



• fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night



• throw away a hundred dollar bill ... now



• place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and tighten a C-clamp around your toes



• buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away



• go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a plain hamburger (be sure you are in the longest line)



• clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face



• fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.



• dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom



• slam your thumb in a car door; don't go see a doctor



• repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing

Maybe I'll stay home and drink coffee, write in my journal, and count my blessings.

When Prayer Goes Awry

Perhaps it happened when I brought my ficus inside after it spent the warm months on the deck.

Wednesday, as I was hurriedly heading into my downstairs bathroom, I noticed something on the wall right outside the bathroom door. After a few moments in the loo, I was in a more patient frame of mind to inspect the object.

It was the tiniest praying mantis I've ever seen; his body no more than half an inch long. So cute!!! I coaxed him onto my finger, and placed him on the ficus tree nearby.

There I noticed another weensy praying mantis. Very sweet; they each have a buddy!

Yesterday afternoon, as I was puttering around in the kitchen, I noticed a little praying mantis on the splashplate behind the kitchen faucet. Hmmm.

This morning as I was pouring coffee near the refrigerator, a miniature praying mantis was there on the counter. No doubt the one I had spotted the previous day near the sink, I reckoned. I carried him over to the entertainment center in the den. When I returned to the kitchen, there was another little guy perched on the faucet. And then, behind him, another one behind the faucet.

Even allowing for duplicate sightings, I have encountered five new tenants in my home. I'm no expert on insects, but I suspect that a pregnant praying mantis lays hundreds of eggs.

This could turn into something big.

There's a whole lot of praying going on in my home.

Good heavens, I just checked the ficus tree, and counted fifteen.

If you don't hear from me in a few days, please contact Animal Control in Henrico County.