Teaching an Old Dog New Tricks

Whew!

It's the day after Christmas, and it's a rainy, chilly, beautiful day in Virginia. I had a very nice Christmas Day, and the great thing about it is that I will remember it! I couldn't tell you what I did last Christmas, but I'm sure a gin bottle had a starring role. I started my day bright and early with a meeting, came home and fed my neighbor's cat, puttered around my house, and then enjoyed an afternoon nap. I went to dinner with Sheldon and his family, which gave me the chance to meet his very nice mom, and after dinner Sheldon and I went to an evening meeting.

I had planned to volunteer time at a food line at the Salvation Army or similar charity, but it turned out that they had plenty of volunteers on Christmas Day. However, folks need to be fed every day, so I will have the chance to help out on another day.

I've learned a lot, changed a lot, and been given many valuable gifts in 2007. Here's what I've been thinking about this morning:

• sobriety is not the same as not drinking


• willingness is the key to a better life


• if I can find spirituality, anyone can


• unsettling situations are not permanent


• patience isn't granted with a magic wand; it takes practice


• I don't have to like something to accept it


• the earth keeps spinning even when I don't try to control the revolution


• surrendering control frees me to enjoy life


• some friends cannot accept my sobriety, but new friends step into their place


• my mother wrote the book on good housekeeping


• I don't have to like someone to learn from them


• there's beauty in a rainy day


• when I do all the talking, I only learn what I already know


• I'm never really alone


• alcohol did not enhance my good qualities


• I have a lot more to learn


• serenity is as obtainable as I choose to make it


• when I give, I receive more than I could have imagined


• a new year starts every single day

Quiztmas!

So, I took a few quizzes, and here's what they said. You can take 'em, too, by clicking on the links.
Ho Ho Ho, y'all.

How much do you know about Christmas?

According to this survey, I know a lot about Christmas.

You Know a Lot About Christmas

You got 7/10 correct You know tons about the history and traditions surrounding Christmas. When you celebrate the holidays, you never forget their true meaning - or all the little fun details. Random Christmas fact: In early England, the traditional Christmas dinner was a pig's head prepared with mustard.

How Much Do You Know About Christmas?

Holiday experts say that this movie is most like my Christmas experience. This seems appropriate because I was a complete Peanuts freak when I was a kid.

My Christmas is most like:

A Charlie Brown Christmas

Your Christmas is Most Like: A Charlie Brown Christmas

Each year, you really get into the spirit of Christmas. Which is much more important to you than nifty presents.

What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?

Hmmm...I don't think this would have been my score before this year:

What's your Holiday Stress Level?

My Holiday Stress Level is Low!

Your Holiday Stress Level Is Low

You take it easy over the holidays, and you only take on what you can handle.You know the holidays are about celebrating and fun - not standing in line at the mall!

What's" Your Holiday Stress Level?

Okay, most of us pack on a few extra pounds during the holidays. Hey, we can always eat celery in January and February.

Feast or Famine?

My Gluttony Quotient is 39%

Your Gluttony Quotient: 40%

You have a pretty good relationship with food - you enjoy it, but you don't go overboard.You've struck the perfect balance between gluttony and self control.

How Much Gluttony Do You Have?

I'm not sure about my results on this one. I love a good pig-out session. My motto when it comes to food might be "everything in moderation...including moderation."

The self-appointed experts gave me a Christmas Spirit rating of 75%. Last year I might have scored 10%. I can't be sure, because I don't really remember last Christmas.

Your Christmas Sprit Level: 75%

Your Christmas spirit is almost as big as Christmas itself. Christmas is definitely your thing. You celebrate Christmas with enthusiasm. You love every minute of the holidays. Your Christmas spirit is inspiring to everyone who runs into you during the holidays. You make everyone's day just a little bit brighter. And that's what the holidays are all about!

Do You Have the Christmas Spirit?

This next one doesn't have anything to do with the holidays. It's here for Pam & Scott. I'd like to think they'd make me feel more welcome than a danged polecat. I've been to Texas several times, and always found the folks there very friendly.

How Texas are you?

I am 32% Texas.

You Are 32% Texas

You're as welcome in Texas as a skunk at a lawn party.

How Texas Are You?

I can choose how I feel about the holidays. If I find myself getting impatient and irritable, I can shake myself out of it. Spending some reflective time alone, thinking about some things I'm grateful for in life (past and present), and accepting that unexpected things are likely to happen no matter how much I plan ahead will help me enjoy the true meaning of Christmas.

Death in the Living Room (and instructions for Life)

My praying mantis adventure seems to have come to an end. The poor little critters have apparently died, although I'm not ruling out the possibility of a survivor or two I haven't encountered yet. When I realized my home had been invaded I did some research on the web, and found out that - yes - the eggs should not have hatched until spring, and Mother Nature had been fooled when I brought my ficus tree indoors for the winter. Hence, the hatchlings. I tried calling a local botanical center, hoping they would like to adopt any of the baby mantises I could collect and transport to their greenhouse, but they never returned my call. My home just does not harbor the food that would have sustained the fledglings, and they perished after a few days.


In hindsight, I'm rather surprised how I handled the situation compared to what would have happened before I got sober. Previously, I would have freaked out, whipped out the electrolux and searched for black-market DDT. Instead, I just relaxed and let things take their natural course without my intervention. Well, okay, I did try to coax a couple of the babies to drink a drop of water, but for the most part I avoided running around like Henny Penny trying to fix everything. It helps, of course, that I like praying mantises and know they don't pose a threat. If I'd had a pestilence of black widow spiders the tale would be different.


One of the qualities I've been praying for over the past couple of months is patience. A side lesson from this exercise is learning to be careful what you pray for. I have caught every red light in Richmond since I prayed for patience. I sat behind one car through three traffic light cycles one evening, and it was only when I started laughing at the situation that the light changed. So the signal wasn't broken, as I supposed initially; it almost seemed like God was waiting for me to relax and acknowledge the lesson.


The Old Bill at the traffic intersection would have been fuming, honking the horn, cussing the driver in front of me, and whipping around and through the intersection. This doesn't mean I'm absolved from taking action when needed, but I'm beginning to understand that there are situations I simply cannot control, and the healthiest course of action is to go with the flow.


Now it's time to do some holiday baking, and I am still my mother's child, which means I will scrub, disinfect, and sterilize the entire kitchen before I make anything in case there are praying mantis footprints anywhere. My mom came home from the grocery store one day, and when she put a bag of groceries on the kitchen counter, a cockroach dashed out and ran behind the oven. She pulled the oven out from the wall to find it. For her, this was probably progress; I'm surprised she didn't put the house up for sale. Anyone who knew my mother would agree.

I ran across some instructions for Life I'll share. Feel free to add more in the comments section.

• go someplace you've never been at least once a year



• give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully



• don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want



• when you say "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye



• never laugh at anyone's dreams



• don't judge people by their relatives



• when someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask "Why do you want to know?'



• call your mom



• remember that great love and great acheivements involve great risk



• when you lose, don't lose the lesson



• remember the three R's: respect for self, respect for others, and responsibility for all of your actions



• when you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps



• spend some time alone



• open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values



• remember that silence is sometimes the best answer



• read more books and watch less television



• trust in God but lock your car



• be gentle with the earth



• pray...there's immeasurable power in it



• mind your own business



• remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck



• judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it



• remember that your character is your destiny

Re-Gifted Seasonal Humor

The year is grinding to its close, and we suddenly find ourselves in the midst of The Most Wonderful Time of the Year (or so says that song). I've finished my Christmas shopping, but I'm going to have to whip myself to get the wrapping done. Where does the time go? We only have a couple more weekends before Christmas. Time to turn to an expert on getting things done. Martha has a jump on us, but perhaps we can catch up if we take a look at her Holiday Planning Calendar.

Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar

12-1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold. Turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

12-2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

12-4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.

12-5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

12-6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

12-10 Align carpets to adjust for curviture of Earth.

12-11 Lay Faberge egg.

12-12 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

12-13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

12-14 Install plumbing in Gingerbread House.

12-15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

12-17 Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

12-19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

12-20 Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

12-21 Drain city reservoir. Refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.

12-22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.

12-23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.

12-25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger with homemade potpourri.


Does anyone really make fruitcake? Does anyone really like fruitcake? My neighbor Karen used to make fruitcake for her father and her brothers years ago. She would spend big money and lots of time carefully crafting these holiday classics, only to find out after several Christmases that not one of the recipients liked fruitcake. The following recipe has been around for a long, long time. I know, because one of my dad's UDT/SEAL buddies sent this recipe to him one year, and my dad retired from the Navy in 1969. It's still the best fruitcake recipe I've encountered:

Traditional Fruitcake
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
1 cup brown sugar
4 eggs
2 cups dried chopped fruit
2-1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1-1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup chopped nuts
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 full bottle of your favorite whiskey
First, sample whiskey to check for freshness and quality.
Get a large mixing bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup of whiskey and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of mixing butter in the fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is okay. Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl. Chuck up in the dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something...where was I?
Oh yes, check the whishkey an repeat.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something...whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake pan 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner!
Boon the spatter..no, uh...poon the ...throw the bowl out the window. Wisk the checky again. repea. Go to bed. Who likes fruitcak aynway. nitey-ni...

Yes, we've all seen this recipe before, but you need to make it to truly appreciate it.


After the holidays, consider treating yourself to a winter vacation. After all, you'll deserve it. Have you ever been snow skiing? I haven't, but I found a list of exercises in my file cabinet to help me prepare for my first trip to the slopes.

• soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use



• if you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses



• fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night



• throw away a hundred dollar bill ... now



• place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and tighten a C-clamp around your toes



• buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away



• go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a plain hamburger (be sure you are in the longest line)



• clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face



• fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.



• dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom



• slam your thumb in a car door; don't go see a doctor



• repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing

Maybe I'll stay home and drink coffee, write in my journal, and count my blessings.

When Prayer Goes Awry

Perhaps it happened when I brought my ficus inside after it spent the warm months on the deck.

Wednesday, as I was hurriedly heading into my downstairs bathroom, I noticed something on the wall right outside the bathroom door. After a few moments in the loo, I was in a more patient frame of mind to inspect the object.

It was the tiniest praying mantis I've ever seen; his body no more than half an inch long. So cute!!! I coaxed him onto my finger, and placed him on the ficus tree nearby.

There I noticed another weensy praying mantis. Very sweet; they each have a buddy!

Yesterday afternoon, as I was puttering around in the kitchen, I noticed a little praying mantis on the splashplate behind the kitchen faucet. Hmmm.

This morning as I was pouring coffee near the refrigerator, a miniature praying mantis was there on the counter. No doubt the one I had spotted the previous day near the sink, I reckoned. I carried him over to the entertainment center in the den. When I returned to the kitchen, there was another little guy perched on the faucet. And then, behind him, another one behind the faucet.

Even allowing for duplicate sightings, I have encountered five new tenants in my home. I'm no expert on insects, but I suspect that a pregnant praying mantis lays hundreds of eggs.

This could turn into something big.

There's a whole lot of praying going on in my home.

Good heavens, I just checked the ficus tree, and counted fifteen.

If you don't hear from me in a few days, please contact Animal Control in Henrico County.

My Ears Are Open and I See Acronyms

Some things I heard lately...

"I don't have to like something to accept it"


"I'm not a 'bad' person trying to get 'good'. I'm a sick person trying to get better."


"When I take risks outside these rooms (AA), I'm finding that people are not to be feared."


"I was not aware of what was wrong with me, but everyone else knew it."


"Even though I have a few years, I can learn from someone who's been in the program for one week," said a man with fourteen years of sobriety.


"I went through life just getting by. Cockiness made me relapse and go back to jail. Now I stay humble and pray for patience."


Tonight I am meeting with two friends from my past that I distanced myself from a few years ago. I will make amends for the things I did in the past. I am eager to take this step. Simply saying I was wrong, and stating the ways I was wrong will be enough; I am not expecting a reconciliation or renewal of our friendship. It is important to me that they know they did nothing wrong to cause me to abandon our friendship. They are wonderful people, and their lives have changed dramatically since I saw them last. I do not play a part in their daily lives, and that is the way it should probably remain. But I think we will all feel better after we meet this evening, and we will be able to greet tomorrow without lingering doubts about the past.

Are you ready for some acronyms? Good!

F.I.N.E.

[I'm] Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional

F.E.A.R.

Face Everything And Recover

N.U.T.S.

Not Using The Steps

E.G.O.

Edging God Out

D.E.N.I.A.L.

Don't Even Notice I Am Lying

H.A.L.T.

[Don't get too] Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired

H.O.P.E.

Happy Our Program Exists

H.O.W.

Honesty, Open-mindedness, Willingness

S.P.O.N.S.O.R.

Sober Person Offering Newcomers Suggestions On Recovery

G.O.D.

Good Orderly Direction

B.I.G. B.O.O.K.

Believing In God Beats Our Old Knowledge

S.L.I.P.

Sobriety Losing Its Priority

A.C.T.I.O.N.

Any Change To Improve Our Nature

P.R.O.G.R.A.M.

People Relying On God Relaying A Message

S.T.E.P.S.

Solutions To Every Problem Sober

K.I.S.S.

Keep It Simple, Sweetheart

How To Be Perfect - ex. 1-3

Example 1

Example 2

Example 3

Things I Heard More Recently

An unseen woman in a crowd said "Do it in my hand."



I heard a man say "I used to try to fill myself with drugs and alcohol, and there was never enough. Now I know that I was spiritually empty, and that only spirituality could fill me."



One morning someone said "If I rely on my willpower instead of God's will, this time I may go to the penitentiary."




In a weekend meeting I heard "The truth will set you free, but it will piss you off first."



I heard a woman say "My family life is chaotic right now, and God reminded me yesterday to keep it simple, and that worked."



A father told me that one Christmas his neighbor helped him put a tricycle together and they got drunk. His 3-year-old daughter woke up Christmas morning to find a half-assembled tricycle under the tree.



I heard a man say "I have two tool boxes. One is filled with party buddies, drugs, and booze. The other one is filled with new friends, sobriety, and spirituality. I have a choice of which one I carry with me."




Someone told me something that made no sense, but sounded perfectly logical to them, and I remembered my existence before I became sober.



I heard my sponsor tell me "Trust God. Be good. Help others."




I heard The Waltz of the Snowflakes, and I was reminded that humans can create beauty as well as chaos.




I heard myself say "Thank you, God."

Things I've Heard Lately

I heard a woman say that she was going to go to the memorial service for a friend. He had arranged everything for the event prior to his death. It will be a large celebration of his life, with many people in attendance. The eulogy will be given by a Catholic priest, and the party will be held at the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C. because her friend wanted this to be an international inter-denominational event. Caterers will serve food and a band has been hired. There will be a coffin filled with ice and beer for guests.





A retired businessman told me that he was invited to dinner by his son and his son's partner so that he and his wife could meet his son's new pastor. This man drank so much that he passed out at the dinner table. He had never met the pastor or the pastor's wife before. He felt remorse about embarrassing his son.




When I returned to my table at Karen's Diner this morning to leave a tip I overheard a man saying "Do not judge us for our mistakes; judge us for our love."




This morning I heard a person say "God put these other people in my life for a reason."




A fellow told me that he went to a support group for folks with loved ones who abuse drugs, because his brother is a crack addict. He was introduced to the Jellinek Curve for the first time. As he studied the information handed out, he recognized his own alcoholism which he had been denying.




I heard a man say that sympathy will kill an alcoholic.




A man told me that he had traveled to my city to be pre-screened for a liver transplant. He is hopeful that he will be a viable candidate for this procedure because the disease of alcoholism has destroyed his liver.




I heard a dog whining in fear and confusion, because of the pain from the previous day's surgery. There was nothing I could do that would comfort her. She does not understand that the pain will pass, and that she will be healthier and live longer.




Someone told me that after many years of sobriety they stopped going to meetings and became too busy to pray. They started drinking again because their disease had been waiting patiently all those years for them to become complacent.




I heard a woman in an AA meeting ask me to her home when she found out I would be alone on Thanksgiving.

Daily Life & White Trash

I'm having a good time reading through my mom's 1962 diary. The diary begins on January 6 and I've just finished reading through April. My grandmother brought the diary to my mom when my grandparents came out for an extended visit from Iowa. My dad left the country on a Navy training mission in the Caribbean in mid-January, and I was thrilled when I read of his return on April 30. While he was away teaching men how to blow things up, my mom was a busy gal.

If it grew, she planted, watered, or mowed it. If it stood still, it was scrubbed, scoured, waxed, washed, or scraped clean. My dad called my mom on April 20 to say he would be home on May 5, but then she got a letter from him on the 27th saying his ship would come in on April 30. My mom went into a frenzy of baking and cooking. Windows were cleaned, inside and out. Floors were waxed. Curtains were washed and re-hung. A man was hired to plow the garden in the back yard. My shoes were polished. Mom went up in the attic for a belt for her yellow dress. My mother seemed to clean house every day anyway, so this was truly gilding the lily, but I guess it helped her work off nervous energy. I think I got two coats of wax.

My friend Scott W asked if I remembered any of this, and I don't. I was approaching three years of age. Although I don't have clear memories of these events, the diary evokes feelings and emotions deep down inside. I am truly fortunate to have these daily chronicles. I was loved and cared for, but I like that my mother didn't obsess over me. She had me around all the time and spent time playing with me, but there were lots of things she had to do to keep the household running smoothly by herself. She also spent time nearly every day visiting or hosting friends, who would bring their children to play with me. It seems like a healthy way to grow up.

My earliest conscious memory is more like a snapshot. At some point when I was little I climbed to the top rail of my crib, fell to the floor, and suffered a brain concussion. I'm sure I'll read about this in one of her diaries. I have a memory of being in a crib in the corner of a big room with very high ceilings. There are tall windows across the room, with sunlight streaming in, and other cribs in the room. There is a lady wearing funny clothes (a nun). I am in a children's ward at St. Vincent-DePaul Hospital in Norfolk, Virginia.

Isn't it odd that we don't have vivid memories of the most dramatic phase of our development? We were learning how to move, express our feelings, and interact with our world; we were getting to know our parents or caregivers; we went from the darkness of the womb to the bright colors of the outside world, but we cannot remember these years. Well, at least I can't. Maybe you remember being squeezed through the birth canal. If you have a moment, feel free to leave a comment about your earliest memory at the bottom of this post.

I sure hope I get this damned potty-training accomplished soon. I'm tired of reading that I messed my pants. One Tuesday morning we were visiting a friend and my mother notes matter-of-factly that "Billy wet on the rug & locked the bathroom door." Here's one time that I'm grateful for a cloudy memory. Some days were better than others. Progress, not perfection, right?

Mom is good about noting the price she pays for services. The man that plowed the garden charged $6.00. Nowadays he'd charge more than that to answer the phone. One Monday (Wash Day) the pump broke and the plumber was there from suppertime until 9:30. He installed a new part and the total bill was $10.95. A repair on the car's generator cost $7.00 (I should forward this to the Acura dealer).

If someone asks you what folks did before the Internet, send them straight to my mother's diary. It's all right there in plain language. They took care of their homes. They cooked and baked from scratch. They made a lot of their own clothes. And, most important of all, they spent time with friends and family. They called each other on the phone just to chat. They dropped in on each other for visits over coffee and cookies. They didn't wait for fabulous cruises or fancy dinners at restaurants. They made time in their daily lives to love each other.

I'm looking forward to progressing through 1962 to reach the winter holidays. Meanwhile, in today's world, our holidays are swiftly approaching. In the spirit of eating things that you normally wouldn't, I want to share a recipe before I let you go. A friend that I used to work with brought this to the office a few years ago. We've all had the traditional Party Mix; this recipe is the alter-ego, the Yin to the Yang, Wilma's Betty. The name reflects both its color and nutritional value. But it sure tastes good. Go ahead and indulge. After all, tis the season.

White Trash

1 box Rice Chex
1 large jar dry roasted peanuts
1 box raisins
1 12-oz bag of chocolate chips
1 12-oz bag of peanut butter chips
2 sticks of butter
1 box (16 oz) of powdered sugar

Mix cereal, peanuts, and raisins in a very large bowl or a stockpot.
Melt chips and butter, stirring until smooth.
Pour over cereal mix and stir to coat all pieces.
Sift sugar into a kitchen-size trash bag, add cereal mix, and shake-shake-shake!
Spread mix in a single layer on cookie sheets several hours to dry.
Store in airtight container.

Thanks go to Sherry, my favorite white trash buddy, for this recipe.

Buttermilk

Mom started buying real butter when I was seven. I had been very ill and the doctors told her to fatten me up. Believe me, it worked. By 5th grade I was one of the fattest kids in class. Thank Heavens puberty took care of the baby fat.


But I digress. Occasionally, my mother would buy buttermilk for a recipe she was preparing. My dad enjoyed drinking it. "Hmmm," I thought, "I like butter! I think I'll give it a try!"


YUCK!!!


How did my dad get this stuff past his nose? My mother had wisely poured me a small amount in a juice glass, knowing that everything after the first sip was going down the kitchen drain just as surely as the sun rose over Mrs. Ranhorne's house next door every morning.


Now that I bake frequently, buttermilk has become my buddy in the kitchen. Why, you ask? I'll tell you:

• promotes browning of baked goods



• improves texture



• acidic value counteracts chemical reaction of ingredients like blueberries and walnuts, which can give baked goods a grayish cast otherwise



• high in potassium, vitamin B-12, and riboflavin



• 3/4 lower in fat than whole milk (don't let the name "buttermilk" fool you)



• 1/3 less calories than whole milk



• more easily digested than whole milk

Because of the high acidity, buttermilk makes a good marinade for meat, which is why many cooks dip their chicken in it prior to frying. However, because of the acidity, caution should be used when baking because substituting buttermilk for regular milk can mess up the leavening process, especially in recipes calling for baking powder (unless the recipe specifies buttermilk). If you don't have buttermilk, you can substitute plain yogurt in equal measure; you can also add one tablespoon of white vinegar or lemon juice to one cup of whole milk, allowing it to sit for 10 minutes before using. You can smoke a cigarette or put a load of laundry in the washer while you wait. Or both.


Historically, buttermilk is the liquid that was left after churning butter, following the reaction with naturally-occurring airborne bacteria. Sounds yummy, huh? I guess foodstuffs were scarce. I imagine the following conversation:

Prudence: Gak, whither comes that foul odour? Are thee laggardly in laundering thy undergarments, Patience?

Patience: Certainly not, old crone! T'is from this churn it emanates, the very one thou used. Pray, take it down the path and dump it with haste.

Prudence: Nay, my cupboard is nearly bare. Methinks I'll make some biscuits with it.

Patience: Thankful I am not to be invited to thy table tonight. But, stay, I am vexed with my husband. Pour some in my crock and I will make Josiah a squash pye with it.

Well, maybe. You never know. It's like that Internet egg joke that circulates like a comet about the first man who said "I'm going to eat the next thing that falls out of that chicken's butt."

Heard enough about buttermilk? Good, here's a recipe for your forbearance. It's foolproof and so easy you can make it in your sleep. If you make it and don't agree, I'll cheerfully refund your time. You'll need a medium mixing bowl, a small bowl, a 9X13 baking pan, and a big spoon. No mixer required.

Buttermilk Coffeecake
2-1/2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup brown sugar, packed
Pinch of salt
3/4 cup vegetable oil

Combine the above ingredients in the larger bowl. Reserve one cup of this mixture and put it in the smaller bowl for the topping. To the remaining stuff in the larger bowl add:

1 egg
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup buttermilk

Mix and pour into lightly greased and floured baking pan. Sprinkle reserved topping over the batter in small clumps. Bake 25-30 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

That's it. Easy as falling off a log. Or a cliff. You can add other stuff to the batter like raisins, other spices, shredded autumn leaves, or whatever appeals to you. You can also add nuts or spices to the topping if you can't leave well enough alone.

November is Gratitude Month. It's also the Month of Scott, who will celebrate his 4th anniversary of sobriety on the 18th. I'm grateful to Scott for his humor, his talent with art, and his daily motivational quotations and gratitude list. Visiting him is a good way to start my day, and you can do the same by clicking here.

I'm happy that Harper Lee was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for her superb "To Kill a Mockingbird," a book I have read and will continue to read time and time again.

There are so many people, places, and things I am thankful for, and I would be remiss if I did not mention that I am grateful that you dropped by my blog today. Please click the comments link below and say "Hello."

The Red Tree, 2007 shown with Scott's permission.

YAWN - 100 Things About Me

This is a re-post of the list that formerly appeared on my sidebar, reconstituted with chicken stock and expanded from Trial Size to include all 100 things. The sidebar list was taking up too much room over there, and people were missing the funny cat slideshow at the bottom of my blog. Feel free to add your own Travel-Size list in comments.

1. I was born two weeks past my due date; establishing a solid foundation of procrastination.




2. I have a birthmark on my right kneecap.




3. I have owned 7 cars, one through inheritance.




4. I'd rather live in peace than rest in peace.




5. I love learning new words.




6. My oldest, dearest friend lives in Amsterdam.




7. I do not live in Amsterdam.




8. I would like to visit Amsterdam.




9. I avoid yardwork at all costs.




10. I like all animals, but prefer cats to dogs.




11. I pray and meditate daily.




12. I love to read books, but can take or leave most magazines.




13. A friend & I poured a bottle of Prell shampoo in a shopping mall fountain (see #6).




14. I was my senior class chaplain in high school.




15. I love sampling regional foods, like Maid-Rites.




16. I love road trips.




17. I live alone.




18. I type with four fingers (and one thumb).




19. I like old black & white movies.




20. I can raise either eyebrow separately.




21. I like coffee with half & half and Splenda.




22. I like rainy days if I can stay home.




23. My father was 41 when I was born.




24. I have a quick wit.




25. Organized sports confuse me.




26. I do not like to gamble.




27. I hate to hurt people's feelings (see #68).




28. I lived in the same house from birth until college.




29. I had a brain concussion when I was an infant.




30. I am a recovering alcoholic.




31. I am trying to think before I speak.




32. I have trouble with intimate relationships.




33. I enjoy baking.




34. Both of my parents are dead.




35. My current car is ten years old.




36. I was molested by a neighbor when I was five.




37. I know how to change a flat tire.




38. I've lost many good friends because of my alcoholism.




39. I have never had sex with a female.




40. I have been self-sufficient since I was nineteen.




41. My first job was in maintenance at a local department store.




42. I was state champion poetry reader when I was in high school.




43. My first boyfriend happened when I was thirteen.




44. I had a treehouse made out of a washing machine shell.




45. I have broken both arms and one leg.




46. I learned to drive on a 1968 Dodge pick-up truck with 3-on-the-column and power nothing.




47. I have seen a tornado up close.




48. I have no brothers or sisters.




49. I would have an older brother if my mom's first husband hadn't killed him.




50. I used to be afraid of spiders, but now I like them.




51. I believe in God, but I think religion can be dangerous.




52. I hate mysogeny.




53. I know how to swim.




54. I like scary movies.




55. I have been to Gibraltar.




56. I was bitten by a poisonous snake when I was four.




57. I am an early riser.




58. I rented a SmartCar in Spain, and now I want one.




59. I do not like to have dirty hands (see #9; see #37).




60. I have insomnia fairly frequently.




61. I saw fields of sunflowers in Spain as far as the eye could see.




62. I think everyone should read A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole.




63. I do not understand intolerance and bigotry.




64. I beat up a neighborhood bully because he was making fun of someone else.




65. I am a good instructor.




66. My first car was a brand new 1975 Datsun B-210 hatchback (cocoa brown).




67. I do not have cable television or satellite TV.




68. I say the wrong things (see #31).




69. God restored my physical health when I became sober.




70. God & I are working on my mental health now.




71. I am easily distracted.




72. I enjoy being alone.




73. I like being with other people.




74. I do not like crowds.




75. I had a pet raccoon named Jake.




76. I have seen a ghost.




77. I believe most people are "good"...but not all.




78. I like sunrises and sunsets in equal measure.




79. I like a grilled hamburger as much as a steak.




80. I collect pound cake recipes.




81. My kitchen cabinets and drawers are neatly organized.




82. I used to drink gin martinis, shaken vigorously, never stirred.




83. I like documentaries.




84. I like writing.




85. I still have a suede leather coat I got in junior high school, and it fits.




86. I have developed a fear of heights.




87. I have been to the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona (see #86).




88. I enjoy learning about history.




89. I am still astounded that George W. Bush became U.S. President.




90. My partner died with AIDS on October 1 several years ago.




91. I am working hard on my "control" issues.




92. I like taking naps.




93. I love art museums, but get overwhelmed quickly.




94. I like it when the seasons change.




95. The months of October, November, and December used to be difficult for me.




96. I would like to learn another language.




97. I enjoy looking at old family photos (including yours).




98. I used to hate my curly hair; now I like it.




99. I cry easily.




100. I cannot believe I finished this list in one sitting (see #71).