Re-Gifted Seasonal Humor

The year is grinding to its close, and we suddenly find ourselves in the midst of The Most Wonderful Time of the Year (or so says that song). I've finished my Christmas shopping, but I'm going to have to whip myself to get the wrapping done. Where does the time go? We only have a couple more weekends before Christmas. Time to turn to an expert on getting things done. Martha has a jump on us, but perhaps we can catch up if we take a look at her Holiday Planning Calendar.

Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar

12-1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold. Turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

12-2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

12-4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.

12-5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

12-6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

12-10 Align carpets to adjust for curviture of Earth.

12-11 Lay Faberge egg.

12-12 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

12-13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

12-14 Install plumbing in Gingerbread House.

12-15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

12-17 Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

12-19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

12-20 Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

12-21 Drain city reservoir. Refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.

12-22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.

12-23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.

12-25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger with homemade potpourri.


Does anyone really make fruitcake? Does anyone really like fruitcake? My neighbor Karen used to make fruitcake for her father and her brothers years ago. She would spend big money and lots of time carefully crafting these holiday classics, only to find out after several Christmases that not one of the recipients liked fruitcake. The following recipe has been around for a long, long time. I know, because one of my dad's UDT/SEAL buddies sent this recipe to him one year, and my dad retired from the Navy in 1969. It's still the best fruitcake recipe I've encountered:

Traditional Fruitcake
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
1 cup brown sugar
4 eggs
2 cups dried chopped fruit
2-1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1-1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup chopped nuts
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 full bottle of your favorite whiskey
First, sample whiskey to check for freshness and quality.
Get a large mixing bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup of whiskey and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of mixing butter in the fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is okay. Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl. Chuck up in the dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something...where was I?
Oh yes, check the whishkey an repeat.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something...whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake pan 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner!
Boon the spatter..no, uh...poon the ...throw the bowl out the window. Wisk the checky again. repea. Go to bed. Who likes fruitcak aynway. nitey-ni...

Yes, we've all seen this recipe before, but you need to make it to truly appreciate it.


After the holidays, consider treating yourself to a winter vacation. After all, you'll deserve it. Have you ever been snow skiing? I haven't, but I found a list of exercises in my file cabinet to help me prepare for my first trip to the slopes.

• soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use



• if you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses



• fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night



• throw away a hundred dollar bill ... now



• place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and tighten a C-clamp around your toes



• buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away



• go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a plain hamburger (be sure you are in the longest line)



• clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face



• fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.



• dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom



• slam your thumb in a car door; don't go see a doctor



• repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing

Maybe I'll stay home and drink coffee, write in my journal, and count my blessings.