My cousin Janet is planning her wedding, which will take place this autumn. Janet and her fiance live several time zones away from Janet's mother, my Aunt Magenta. Although the romance between Janet and Brad has been smoldering for nearly thirty years, the relationship flamed a few years ago. Brad's proposal came suddenly and unexpectedly a couple of weeks ago, so Janet is planning a small wedding in a hurry. Everything is falling into place beautifully, mainly because Janet is focusing on the outcome instead of fussing over the inconsequential effluvia.Enter Aunt Magenta.
My aunt is a delight to know. We talk on the phone from time to time, and I always find her intelligence and inquisitive nature stimulating. She's very detail-oriented, however, and it is killing her that she cannot provide more assistance with the wedding plans. The wedding will be at Point A, Janet lives at Point B, and Aunt Magenta is located at Point C. Hundreds of miles separate each location.
To be blunt, my aunt has control issues. Giving her information is like handing over a loaded gun.
Janet is handling everything skillfully from afar - invitations, gown selection, catering arrangements, reservations for the big event and guests' lodging, and more. But she is slowly losing her grip on sanity because of the barrage of questions from Aunt Magenta. To be fair to my aunt, Janet is her only child, and this is her baby's first wedding.
Aunt M's queries and cautionary advice seem to pop in just when they are least helpful. I told Janet that the Good Lord aligned the stars & moon so that she would be far from Aunt Magenta until the wedding weekend. Otherwise, there would be bloodstains all over the wedding dress when she walks down the aisle. "Imagine what it would be like if the two of you lived under the same roof as these wedding plans develop," I told Janet. Here's what comes to my mind:
(2:30 a.m. A dark bedroom)
Aunt M: (tapping softly but insistently - sotto voce) Jannie? Jannie, are you awake?
Janet: mmph...wha???
Aunt M: Oh, good. Listen, when you called the caterer today, did you remember to ask her about the napkins? Because I was remembering the napkins at Dottie Chrysler's rehearsal dinner. They were scratchy and they smelled - I don't know - musty...like they had been bought at a surplus store. You know there was a paper mill outside New Orleans that was devasted by Katrina, and I wondered if some distributor bought them cheap and resold them to Dottie's caterer. You know things like that happen, don't you? Well, never mind, you're using cloth napkins, but they could still be musty.
Janet: glrgh
Aunt M: I know, it's criminal. The things people get away with, it really makes me angry. What did she say about the beef? I'd rather she didn't serve beef, but if she is you should ask where it comes from.
Janet: blorfmg
Aunt M: I don't just mean who she bought it from, either. I'm talking about provenance. They track all the cows now with micro-chips or something, so she should know these things. That Mad Cow disease hasn't really gone away, you know. Oh, God, I just wish Brad didn't eat beef, Janet! It really worries me! Have you told him how it affects the filtration system? It just wears the body down. He should pay more attention to these things. He's a smart man, so I just can't understand why he doesn't care about his diet.
Janet: Mom...please...
Aunt M: Hey, listen, wasn't it unbelievable that the post office workers were so rude about selecting those stamps? I mean, this is important, and if you can get prettier stamps of lesser value and combine them on the envelope...well, they should know that these things take time to decide. They really need more postal workers at that station.
Janet: Mom, I'm exhausted. What time is it?
Aunt M: Oh! Let's see...here, let me flip this light on...
Janet: (screeches - throws covers over head)
Aunt M: Oh, it's nearly three in the morning. Janet, you should get to sleep. We need to be up early tomorrow to see about that veil. I still say it should be Italian lace, and that was NOT Italian lace, no matter what they said. Let me tell you, when I stayed at that convent outside Rome in 1953, I saw what Italian lace looks like.
Janet: (weakly) Mother...the light...please, please, turn it off.
Aunt M: Well, I just turned it on because you asked for the time. It's late. Go to sleep. I'll ask you about the peau de soie pumps in the morning. I'm still thinking more eggshell than cream, but it's your wedding.
Janet: I'm wide awake! Let's talk about them right NOW!!!
Aunt M: Jannie, I'm tired, I need to get some sleep.
(Note: the names have been changed, so that I cannot be sued)
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16 comments:
The sister of my older son's girlfriend is getting married in August. He is best man. He is trying to avoid all contact.
that was hilarious..I can just imagine it...I wish I could be a fly on the wall when and if that conversation took place.
At least Janet is not Bridezilla! The distance may be driving Auntie nuts, but it is no doubt the saving grace for Janet. How wonderful that she has found love.
Weren't Brad and Janet in Rocky Horror Picture Show?
Seriously, her name is Magenta? My favorite Crayola Crayon color? Really? Magenta?
And Billy, you seem to know a lot about being a bride. You even know peau de soie.
I am a tad scared.
rofl lmao! Oh dear poor Janet, yep it sounds like she's doinga good job of organising everything without her mom "trying to help"...if it doesn't work the bride and groom to be could always elope?
oh bill,
that's just the tip of the iceberg!
my brother IS actually getting married in three weeks and our mother IS somewhat like your aunt magenta.
our scenario reads like this: mother lives in between canada and the philippines depending on where the weather is warmer at the time. my brother and i live in california almost an hour away from each other. the wedding is a destination wedding where we all get to go to rome. (yay! that's the good part.)
so the thing is, mother wants to throw a pre-wedding party for her friends and our relatives that can't make it to rome. of course she wants to do it two days before we leave. and of course she just came up with this idea the other day. and of course she wants to run her idea by me as if it's my wedding. and of course she runs a revised version of her plan by my brother and his fiancee; the changes of which are unbeknownst to me. and of course she tells them that they should talk to me because supposedly she gave me all the information. and of course, they call me and we realize that what she told them is almost completely different from what she told me. and of course she is making all these plans from canada but doesn't answer her cell phone or reply to e-mails in a timely manner, yet we have to rearrange our schedules to accomodate this impromptu get-together. but of course it's practically impossible since we have no location or a time.
so here i am feeling stressed out from trying to be a bridge between my mother and my brother while my brother and his fiancee are stressed out because our mother is the type that MUST have things done to her expectations even if she doesn't even know what they are. somehow we have to figure out the details.
mother is a really lovely person with a big heart and great intentions but like madonna says: "the road to hell is paved with good intentions".
Well, little prince, you have really opened a few memories. My two oldest sisters just got married. My third sister had a huge church wedding at which my Mother got sloshed and embarrassed everyone. My youngest sister Rosalie had a very small church wedding wearing what at the time I,at 7) thought was absolute the ugliest dress ever made. It was navy blue with orange polkay dots with orange piping. ICK!!!!
I extra take on it is that it's the bride and grooms day not aunt's, not mother in law's not mother's. Everyone else who is already married had their day already - they need to step back and let the bride and groom do things their way...
There are no impending weddings in my extended family or among any of my in-laws. My life generally sucks, but you have brought to my attention a shining advantage.
My daughter is 19. No significant others in the picture right now. However, I've been encouraging her to elope since she was 10.
You've been staying up re-watching "Rocky Horror," haven't ya? By chance, does Aunt Magenta speak French? And eat green spaghetti?
LOL
sis
The names have been changed so you can't be sued? I'd be worried about being harangued to death.
please stop writing stories about me with some veil "name change to Magenta" to cover it up.
And please find out about the napkins.
Eggshell rather than cream! That's priceless.
But you know, even if it weren't for dear ole mom, "Janet" would be going nuts. It's just a law of nature that planning weddings is torture. You have to say to yourself over and over, it's all about love, it's all about love...
I like the eggshell vs cream debate, too. This is just the sort of detail that family fractiousness is built upon, isnt it?
Then there's ecru and vanilla and off white to consider, too, of course...
Hey Bill, Stopping by to say hello. This so called "job" of yours seems to be taking up wayyyy too much of your time, I hope it is worth it. Gone on any scooter rides yet? LOl. Miss ya!
Hahahaha! Once again, you brought a smile to my face. I'm so glad your cousin Janet is holding up so well under Magenta's insanity. It seems like Magenta needs a little CODA and Janet needs a honeymoon!
I am sure the day will turn out beautifully, and they are lucky to have such a loving, understanding relative as you. Let us know how it turns out!
How's your weekend going? Did you get that work finished up today?
L
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