Earlier today, I was trying to decide whether this was a Serious Sunday, or a Silly Sunday. Today would have been my parents' 52nd wedding anniversary (I hope someone up there baked them a cake), so I thought about writing about their marriage, but decided to wait.For no particular reason I thought of Paul Lynde today and started poking around on the web to see what I could find. I remember as a child being delighted and astonished that such a flamer was a popular television personality. Some of us remember his appearances on Bewitched, but most remember him for his rapid-fire one-liners on Hollywood Squares. I'm going to keep things light by posting a bunch of his quips.
However, I wasn't surprised to learn that, as funny as he seemed on camera, his life ran on a different track. He died at the age of 55. His death was mysterious, and his life was marred and scarred by alcohol abuse. He is buried in Knox County, Ohio, beside his long-time companion, Bing Davidson. whose accidental death in 1965 was witnessed by Mr. Lynde.
Today, lets take a look at his legacy of laughter...
Q: You're the world's most popular fruit. What are you?Lynde: Humble.
Q: What is said to be wasted on the young?
Lynde: A whipping.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: True or false? At a recent hearing, opponents of fluorinated water argued that too much fluorine in a person's system can cause an uncontrollable desire for sex.
Lynde: (shouting) HEY CULLIGAN MAN!
Q: Why do the Hell's Angels wear leather?
Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles so easily.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: In Alice in Wonderland, who kept crying, "I'm late, I'm late"?
Lynde: Alice. And her mother is sick about it.
Q: Which is better looking, a pixie or a fairy?
Lynde: I'll go for the fairy.
Q: In The Wizard of Oz, the Lion wanted courage and the Tin Man wanted a heart. What did the Scarecrow want??
Lynde: He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.
Q: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Lynde: I don't have a third choice?
Q: Paul, how many men on a hockey team?
Lynde: Oh, about half.
Q: What would the Lone Ranger always leave behind with the damsel in distress he'd saved?
Lynde: A masked baby!
Q: Why was Nathan Hale hung?
Lynde: Heredity.
Q: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
Lynde: As long as that's as far as it goes.
Q: Why do sheep sleep huddled up?
Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue is a weirdo!
Q: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?
Lynde: Smuggling.
Q: Does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster?
Lynde: Well, it's easier to steer.
Q: True or false: in the recent world kissing contest in England, two contestants were disqualified when they got too passionate.
Lynde: Yes, but they went on to win in three other categories.
Q: True or false: Paul Revere had sixteen children.
Lynde: From one midnight ride?
Q: You’re equipped with a pick, a sieve, and a shallow pan. What are you about to do?
Lynde: Joan Crawford's eyebrows.
Q: What two things should you never do in bed?
Lynde: Point and laugh.
Q: Is there any substance that will stunt a child's growth?
Lynde: I've found a hammer works very well.
Q: I'm the son of your father's sister. What am I to you?
Lynde: Just a silly fantasy.
Q: In the movies, where would you find Happy and Doc together?
Lynde: In the balcony.
Q: According to etiquette experts, is it okay to chew gum in an evening gown?
Lynde: Who's gonna stop me?
Q: Who was the first actress to be depicted on a postage stamp?
Lynde: Kate Smith, but it took twenty minutes to lick it.
Q: Paul, in ancient Rome, bakers were required by law to bake something into each loaf of bread. What?
Lynde: A Christian.
Q: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear?
Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.
Q: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.
Q: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Lynde:: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.
Q: According to the old song, "At night, when you're asleep, into your tent I'll creep." Who am I?
Lynde: The scoutmaster.
Q: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What?
Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.
Q: True or false...research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Lynde: It's not easy to sign a crew up for six months...
Q: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?
Lynde: They are cute.
Q: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I've never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a..." A what?
Lynde: A headboard.
Q: True or false, the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep.
Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels...
Q: What should you do if you're going 55 miles per hour and your tires suddenly blow out?
Lynde: Honk if you believe in Jesus.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q:If you want to know if a plastic surgeon is really qualified, who should you check with?
Lynde: Tony Randall.
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20 comments:
Thanks for the Paul Lynde. He always cracked me up. How odd, that Knox County is not far from me. It is a very out of the way place, all very small towns and burroughs to this day.
Joan Crawford's eyebrows! OMG!!! That is just too funny.
Thanks for the Sunday afternoon laugh, Billy.
This was a great post for a laugh. A couple of times I laughed right out loud. I really needed that! It was a good choice, so to whatever force inspired you I offer my thanks.
This was great. He was such a funny man. Thanks for the chuckes:)
hmm I remember Bewitched, that was one of my favourite shows in the 70's to watch as a child but what part did he play?
Amy, I loved Bewitched, too, but don't have a clear memory of Paul Lynde on the show.
He played one of Samantha's kooky relatives: Uncle Arthur.
My favorite was Aunt Clara, the one who botched all of her spells and created havoc.
Wasn't Samantha's devilish look-alike cousin named Serena?
We have met the enemy and they are cute-- fabulous!
I once had a friend who hated it that I smoked. He said every time I wanted to light up in his presence, I had to earn the right by dropping a Mae West quote. I only remember one of them: "I only like two kinds of men: foreign and domestic."
needless to say, I smoked more than I quoted.
OH CULLIGAN MAN! And he better be cute. Laughter is the best medicine and I just got a good dose. Thanks.
I have a book "Qoutes of Mae West"
I mae drag it out and post some.
You have a great blog! I was cracking up reading it! I will be back again!
That was too dang funny. I used to love Paul Lynde. I had noooo idea he was gay. My best friend is a lesbian and most of my friends are gay..but I possess no gaydar AT ALL. I am really upset about it. Not having gaydar I mean. But it all makes so much sense now. I loved that man...I remember him very well on Bewitched...and some other game show that I can't remember. Hhhmm, I just got him confused with the dude on Family feud who kissed all the women. Anywho, Paul Lynde was a funny man.
xoxo
I can't believe he was only 55. I didn't get most of his quips as a kid and sadly I had to re-read several of them to get the joke but I could hear his very distinctive voice as I was reading them. I miss him.
I could see his face in my mind as clear as a bell while reading this post.
How could y'all not remember him in Bewitched????
An interesting post to share with us considering for the last week the show has been on my mind for some unknown reason. Thanks for sharing the humor. This time around, the jokes are funny now. I remember watching as a little kid and I never knew why the punch lines were always so funny!
Bill, get off your sexy ass and post something new. I'm starting to feel like a slacker. I need a reason visit Planet Bill, it's like air for an airoholic. (you know, those hogs who do nothing but breathe, breathe, breathe, all the time!)
I always liked Paul Lynde, he was the funniest one on the Hollywood Squares - I liked him as the voice of Templeton in Charlotte's Web, too, he was perfect and gave the movie a much-needed edge.
Thanks for bringing all the great quotes together - now that I'm old enough to actually get what he was saying! :)
Oh Bill, thank you for this. It was nice to remember some of these (yes, I'm that old) but it was even better to laugh out loud.
Isn't it a shame that most viewers didn't get the jokes. Middle America sitting at their TV tables consuming their TV dinners were clueless since, unwilling to admit he was gay, they all chose to label him an eccentric.
Many thanks, you've made my day.
I'm still trying to figure out how you got from your parent's wedding anniversary to Paul Lynde. We was funny as hell, and I guess most of his humor went over my head as a child. I do remember he was asked on Hollywood Squares once if it was possible to reverse a sex change operation. His response, "If you save the parts."
David S I work with knew Miss Lynde when he lived in Hollywood. He has some stories!
I'm only now getting around to commenting.
Those are too funny.
I briefly met Ms Lynde back in about 1980 in a gay disco in Houston. He was very short. And very drunk.
I've driven past that cemetery several times when I've been on Route 3.
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